I feel like I have so much to say but I’m so unfocused lately.
I have a weird relationship with the internet, I suppose from being born in that golden gap where, in my early teens, I got to explore this brave new world of weird art and information exchange.
It’s always been a tool for me. I start websites and blogs and tumblr and instagram accounts always hoping to draw in some kind of follower count. But to be honest all I truly want to do is document my process, my life a little bit, in a way I can access easily and quickly.
I’ve always kept physical journals but lately i haven’t had the time to get one out, and then when I do it takes me so long to get my hand down on the paper that my ideas are all gone. Typing is so much faster, but the linear nature of it means I can’t edit and add notes and special effects to my words as quickly and satisfyingly as in my journal. I will never get over the analogue process.
I feel like I have spent years of my life curating my own thoughts in order to present them to other people. I increasingly feel like everything I’ve ever done has been part of some huge performative competition with no actual goals. I don’t really know who I am anymore, but I do have goals now and suddenly I’m confused.
I thought I was this incredibly defined object swimming around in a world of questions but now I feel like a mist, or a cloud floating around in a dangerous place full of threats and confusion, constantly at risk of being dispersed by the breeze caused by someone moving near me.
I’m confused by my relationship with the internet, my relationship with my work, my relationship with myself. I want people to see my work, I get such marvellous feedback, but I’m not here to influence or perform for you. I’m here to experiment with tactility, materiality, nostalgia, scale, time, life and art. The only problem is, if I don’t monetise my art soon I won’t be able to continue making it and that scares me. My fan base is primarily artistic, interesting, broke, queer, weirdos who also have no money to spare because we were born into a generation set up for failure.
Look around you. Are you truly happy with what’s going on right now?